Realignment

Every day is a new opportunity to begin again. Every day is your birthday.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy

The boiler fires up in the kitchen, a train rattles past rhythmically on the adjacent railway line, and the birds twitter quizically as I stare out at the black and gold 40th birthday bunting flapping gently against my fence and a grey and sombre London sky.

I started this blog exactly a year ago today from a kitchen in Patnem, South Goa. What a difference a year makes…and who could ever have imagined such a year? But I’m not inclined to join the throngs in declaring that I’m “so over 2020” and banishing the past year to a land that time forgot.

I felt compelled to write this post after a break of several months, as I want to share what I have learned, express my gratitude and reconnect. Because amidst the heartbreak and suffering, the isolation and fear, I have also experienced renewal, rebirth and realignment.

Remember the two-day rule – not thinking or planning beyond the next two days? Well, it turned out to be the perfect preparation for the remainder of 2020, and in fact became a one-day rule. Like so many others, I made the tough decision not to go to my parents’ home when the first lockdown was announced – a decision borne out of a mix of love and fear, but predominantly love. A decision that felt right in my body.

My body has been my guide throughout, and I have continued to embrace the ancient wisdom of Ayurveda, the “science of life” to support my realignment. I first started exploring ayurvedic practices in my mid-20s, as I was curious about the benefits of detoxifying the body. Ayurveda shows us how to live so we can fulfil our full potential. It emphasises the prevention of illness, and maintaining good health through balance in thinking, diet and lifestyle – all of which help to restore the body’s intelligence.

At a time when physical contact with other human beings is the very thing that can expose us to illness, I seek to nourish and strengthen my body through diet, rest and rituals to support my immunity and energy levels.

As a rule of thumb, you should wake up with the sun in the summer and before the sun in the winter. And so last spring, I would start my day at 5.30am with a walk in the park…an experience that can only described as magical…as the birds, squirrels and other wildlife roam around freely, safe in the knowledge that it’s pretty much only me and maybe one other crazy human who are there at that time!

I would return home to do an hour of stretching before logging on to Zoom, to join my coach and others for an hour of journaling, desire and gratitude inventories, meditation and intention setting for the day. Without fail, I’d have to hand an immunity-boosting ginger, clove and black pepper tea – bitter and astringent tasting foods are great for fighting viruses.

Of course, I still experience pain in by body from time to time, but I trust my body’s inner wisdom and can rest in the knowledge that it will correct and heal itself because that is what it was designed to do. But I have learned to continue to listen to my body and it guides me to set the pace and limits in my personal training sessions and other activities.

My dinacharya (daily routine) also often encompasses abhyanga (application of oil) before showering to nourish the skin, improve circulation and muscle tone, and reduce stress. Oil pulling – swishing warm sesame oil around in your mouth for 15 minutes or so – although a bit of a strange experience at first, helps to strengthen the teeth and gums, improve your voice and detoxify the body.

But if you’re not into rituals, my top tip for supporting your body’s immunity would be to simply eat some jam everyday! Chyawanprash is an incredible herbal jam, packed with gooseberry (and therefore vitamin C) and other antioxidants…winner!

Self-care and jam-eating aside, this inner work has been the key to unlocking the things I wanted to change externally. I took part in a programme run by my coach to further deepen my connection with my body. By tapping into my divine feminine energy, and reigniting my life force, I was able take an even more holistic approach to my wellbeing and improve relationships in all aspects of my life. I’ve learned to embrace my uniqueness and stop people-pleasing. As a result I am more open to receiving all that life has to offer. And with an open heart comes an open mind.

At a time when governments, the media and experts are espousing and instilling a climate of fear and anxiety, I seek to keep an open heart.

For a couple of months, I was delivering food parcels every Saturday to refugee families in south east London. As with all charitable initiatives that are set up quickly, there were countless frustrating coordination and logistical issues to deal with every time, but all of this disappeared when I finally handed over those boxes and bags of food, and was met with enormous smiles and gratitude.

Keeping my heart open also took me on an unexpected adventure to Greece where I (again unexpectedly) spent the second lockdown. And closer to home , I’ve learned that setting boundaries with love is actually a really kind thing to do – it makes for a much healthier relationship with loved ones, as more quality time is spent together and so helps deepen and strengthen those bonds.

At a time when the world is on its knees and we feel that nothing is in our control, I am the author of my own life, rewriting my story.

In 2020, I reached the ripe old age of 40. I approached my birthday with mixed feelings – gratitude for having reached this milestone, in good health, with loving family and friends and a multitude of other blessings. But it was also time for me to reassess. The picture that I had in my head of what my life would look like at 40 was nothing like reality – I wasn’t married with kids, living out in the countryside with everything “sorted”.

So I started to work through letting go of this vision and and fully mourning the fact that I didn’t have it, cleansing my expectations. At first I felt destabilised, but I continued with the clearing and embarked upon a 21 day self-love challenge. The single most powerful thing I did as part of this was to rewrite my story.

By recalling the life experiences, relationships or energetic exchanges that had a huge disempowering effect on me, I identified the negative story I had created about myself and limiting beliefs I was holding on to. Realising that none of this was serving me or was even true for that matter, I flipped this on its head and created a new story, my “aliveness” story. And I even wrote it out on large post-it, and stuck it on my wall so I could read it every day! I now embrace and accept myself more fully – good and bad, light and dark.

At a time when we are isolated, I have created a deeper connection with myself, and experienced a deeper sense of community.

When you embrace yourself more fully, you also start to embrace all the emotions that go with that. You’ll remember that during my time at the clinic in Goa, I came to understand that chronic pain is often the manifestation of blocked energy or emotional trauma that has been stored in the body. The Latin derivative for the word emotion, emotere, literally means energy in motion. So it follows that when we feel something, we need to let it move through our bodies and “feel it all”. When we do this, we can release the emotion or let this energy guide us to our true purpose.

As you can imagine, living alone during lockdown means there are a lot of emotions to work through, and yet I was deeply touched by the love and support by people both near and far, and the sense of community I experienced in many different ways.

I will never forget how my sister-from-another-mother drove me (illegally) across London and worked in her car while I attended my uncle’s funeral. I was deeply honoured to have been able to pay my respects whilst sadly the rest of the family and all of my uncle’s friends who loved him so much could only watch remotely, yet I felt held and that they were all with me.

My neighbours have also been an extension of my family…and I know this is rare in London. Food exchanges of muffins, lasagne, dahl and chocolate truffles were a regular thing, sometimes we gathered round in the communal garden with our favourite tipple and other times I was surprised to find a gesture of love and support left on my doorstep.

I’ve had video consultations with the clinic in Goa to sort out my hip problems and get advice on nutritional supplements, and laughed till my sides ached over funny videos we shared on WhatsApp.

I also asked a dear friend in India to make me a playlist of healing music, and it is truly one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. To this day, it is something that I come back to again and again whenever I need to ground myself and let my emotions flow through me.

At at time when there is widescale distrust and suspicion, I believe that vulnerability and honesty are the key to empowerment.

In any relationship, being the first to be vulnerable and completely honest can truly be empowering…and sometimes even cathartic. When someone I believed I had made an exciting and genuine connection with suddenly pulled back and became distant without explanation, I felt confused, frustrated and disappointed. I could have gone into victim mode and remained feeling powerless. Instead I asked to speak with them and I named how I felt and what I experienced in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way – with no attachment or expectation as to the outcome of the conversation. They were of course surprised, but acknowledged my courage and thanked me for it. By speaking my truth, I felt empowered and free.

Similarly, I have also been on the receiving end with someone I had just met who felt compelled to open up to me – this helped to create an instant connection. Given everything going on in the world right now, we are all craving connection…and I am grateful for this opportunity to reconnect with all of you.

And in case you’re wondering, yes I’m still drinking ginger tea and eating herbal jam, yes I’m still up before the sun and yes I’m still stretching!

If I could sum up what I have learned in the last year, it would be that desire leads and logic follows. Keep asking for what you want and know that you will receive it but it might not be exactly how you imagined it to be. Keep asking for guidance, keep your heart open and keep going…with wonder.